“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” - Brené Brown

Don't change for them, change for yourself

This is the hard truth for carers in long-term care.

Do you know that sitting in the same room with your care recipient costs your breath?

The attention demand by your cared-for person could be exponential, and when you lose your patience, relationships crack. Their difficult behaviors can't be fixed by you, and they are sometimes automatic responses. It is difficult to differentiate between abuse and challenging behaviors due to sickness. They live in the ups and downs of their symptoms, influenced by their diagnosis, treatments, medications, and underlying health conditions.

Then, anxiety, depression, mania, and more follow you.

You can't fix them by magic or love. Your love can soothe them, your love can make them feel safe, your love can help them access better systems or support, and your love can lift them up. But you can't solve everything for them to the level of your expectations. Therefore, you must manage your expectations.

The change you can make could be in the system, the support, the way of working, or the road to independence (though in some cases, this road is closed).

The Root of Carer Overwhelm: Carers feel overwhelmed because they unconsciously carry responsibilities that aren't theirs. This burden is caused by five core beliefs and behaviors:

1. Self-Delusion

Self-Delusion is when you expect full recovery, a goal that is fundamentally unattainable in long-term care. Don't forget that you were never signing up for a fixed timeline, you were signing up for a reality.

2. The Vicious Cycle of Adjustment

The Vicious Cycle of Adjustment happens when you endlessly adjust your own life around the care recipient's demands, which leads to exponential emotional and physical depletion. When you forget to draw the line, set boundaries, you will crack yourself from within.

3. The Struggle of Isolation

The Struggle of Isolation hits you when you don't know where to turn to. You assume external support doesn't exist or others won't understand your challenges, locking yourself in isolation causing social withdrawal. This sometimes visits you when the systems fail you and your care recipient, making you believe help is not feasible.

4. The Carer's Barriers

The Carer's Barriers take place when you are vulnerable yourself but, you or your own condition prevents you from successfully accessing the better care and support systems you deserve. This is the harsh reality of a carer's life.

5. Obliviousness

Obliviousness occurs when you prioritize others so consistently that you don't see or acknowledge your own vulnerability, treating your personal needs as optional. Sometimes, this could be a simple self-negligence. Sometimes, this is seen as codependency where you might allow the misbehaviour purposely (sadly, this is a common misunderstanding about carers by the professionals.) The only person who knows the truth is you.

The Crucial Boundary of Responsibility

When dealing with an adult care recipient, never forget this:

• If they are mentally capable, the responsibility for their health and well-being ultimately lies with them, not with the carer. Your role is support, not ownership.

• If their mental capacity is too low to make sound judgments, your role shifts to complex management and decision-making. Even then, your responsibility is to manage the care, not own the illness or sacrifice your whole self to the outcome.

Hence, Change Yourself for You!

Stop adjusting constantly, because the harsh truth is these things are out of your control. If you truly internalize these causes, accepting the limits of your control, you can redefine your purpose. The redefinition is moving your purpose from fixing them to sustaining your capacity to support. This allows you to find a new version of yourself: one that is sustainable, grounded, and whole.